Monday, January 28, 2013

Can't Read My, Can't Read My

I feel like today is the first day I've fully shown up for my life since, oh, sometime in December, probably September, actually. I've been off in some way for a combination of reasons, mainly Nik of course, but there was some unrelated general discombobulation. And I was partially aware that I was phoning it in at home and at work, but even in those normal or even great moments that shined through, I couldn't surmount the funk. Every night I'd promise myself I'd wake up and be a better mother, a better partner, a better worker. And I'd find myself feeling that I fell short by the time nighttime rolled around again. I know this is normal, I know this is how it is with most humans. But it's not the norm for me. I'm usually able to be more zen, or at the least more forgiving. Anyway, this morning I woke up on the other side of the mountain. I can't explain how or why, I just know it's over. Time was the healer, as is usually the case. And it seemed like a sign that Mike, HR and I were in great moods from the get-go, making for a peaceful, happy morning spent together before I kissed them goodbye. And I have to tell you, I credit the hour I spent crying last night over something that happened on Downton Abbey with tipping the balance. It was stupendously cathartic, the best cry I've had in years, and it knocked something back into place.

I admit I've been pretty stealth about the true duration and depth of this latest inner monkey business--I'm quite certain that nobody at home or work noticed any difference on the surface, that's just how I deal with things. Nobody can be blamed for not picking up on it. I hold my cards close until I've won the hand and nobody knows if I was bluffing all along. For now, the fog has lifted and it's time to be me again. I missed me a lot.

It's not like I'm under some delusion that every day will be perfect from here on out, that I won't make mistakes or have those nights where I set intentions. But I'm overcome with the sense that I'm fundamentally reset, changed back to the old me. Or I'm a new version of myself that is similar enough to the one I was before I went through this rough patch, if that makes any sense. So, ok, year. Ok, best me I can be. All in. Let's go.

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