Thursday, February 28, 2013

State of the Cabeza Address

I don't know if I've been coming across as preoccupied in my entries or I'm just hyper-aware of it in real life, but you might have picked up that something's been going on with me and today I'm going to write about it. The Cliff Notes version: I've been having headaches for the past four weeks. Not debilitatingly painful or constant, but enough that I've been concerned because they came out of nowhere and I want make sure they're not a sign of something else. I've been to the doctor twice, the first time resulting in a diagnosis of tension headaches because they seemed to progress during the day. The second time I visited because they were coming at all different times, not just in the afternoon, and there have been a few other symptoms to which I might not have given credence if I didn't prioritize being around into HR's adulthood. On my second visit my PC decided this was out of her area of expertise and referred me to a neurologist, who I will see in a few weeks (the soonest she could get an appointment). I'm not taking this as a sign that something's dreadfully wrong, necessarily, merely that someone who specializes in the cranial area might have a better idea of what's going on. And that's cool. The sooner we get someone who knows what's what, the better.

My boss has a saying, "When you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras." Which I think is supposed to mean, don't automatically jump to the worst conclusion, or panic before you know for sure what you're panicking about. For most of my life I've been very skilled at living within this mindset. I'm not a worrier as a natural disposition. I can't help worrying sometimes, but I can usually keep it at bay until I have something to really worry about. This situation has presented a challenge. The truth is I have a lot of feelings about it. To which I am entitled, of course, but I'm trying to go about my life as normally and peacefully as possible until I know what I'm dealing with. I can't help indulging in wild speculation about what it could be and what might happen. Sure, I know that there's no point in living in fear of the unknown, it's wasted time and energy. But even being aware of that doesn't keep a zebra from galloping into the picture now and again. Mostly I'm doing OK, give or take the odd panic attack.

I haven't written about it before now because, a) BORING. Oh, your head hurts? How thrilling. It's a snooze to write about as well. B) I'm not trolling for diagnoses. I don't want to know what anyone thinks it might be. I've already talked everything through with my doctor from my birth control method to potential head injury to any and all migraine symptoms, and I'm comfortable that she's competent and so will the neuro be. C) I'm pretty sure that everyone who reads this knows me, and most care about me at least a little, so I didn't want to worry anyone. I'm also sensitive about coming across as overly dramatic. Headaches could be anything, and nothing. I'm not in so much pain that I can't do my job at work or do my job at home or even hang out and have fun. Some days are worse than others, but nothing's been so drastic that I've taken to my fainting couch. Overall, something's just not right, and so I'm getting help. (Also please still don't worry, ok? XO)

I have an MRI on Monday morning (I've never had one before and I'm trying to put off that freakout until the last minute), then see the neuro mid-March. Best case, it turns out to be nothing at all, just a freak thing I can live with. Medium case, it's something on a sliding scale from minor to serious that can be treated. Worst case - I can't actually say what that is, both because I'm loath to conjure it and, frankly, from what I've seen, there are things worse than dying. The point is, whatever it is, I can handle it, because I am mentally strong, and I am fortunate enough to have a huge and awesome support system as well as decent health insurance. I'll keep you posted.

Until then...

1 comment:

  1. I'm not even gonna say 'don't worry' cause that's stupid and you're only human! But you sound like you are in a good head space so I will just send my thoughts (okay and prayers cause I'm like that) your way and will hope for the best outcome possible! Now go give HR a big squeezy hug til he squeals and pushes you away cause that's what toddlers do! :)