Tuesday, September 25, 2012

What It Is

Oh productive mornings I love you! Here's to an afternoon that's half as productive. But first: let's talk about bodies. This entry will serve as my Body Update. As in, remember way back when I set a goal to be in awesome comfortable-in-a-bikini shape by the time we took our fall beach vacation? And how is that working out for me, exactly?

The answer is, as I sit here just over a month out from the trip, pretty great. But not in the way I was initially thinking. I mean, I feel like I'm in good shape because I work out often, and I'm getting results in that I can run faster and for longer and the addition of strength training has really made an impact. But to look at me 1) you wouldn't think I looked any different; 2) I probably don't look any different; 3) without drastically changing my lifestyle I'll never look any different and 4) who cares? Not you, for sure. And not me, I've decided. I decided this a long time ago in general, before being pregnant changed my whole physical being, and I got caught up in my personal challenge. It was fun, it was a lark, and it occurred to me right around the time I hit the beach this summer that there was no use in waiting to debut my new bikinis. So I wore them all summer as a work in progress, and nobody died of it. This is the great part. The reminder of that old revelation that I'm only as happy with myself as I let myself be, so why not be as happy as possible? If I want to wear a suit I like, just do it and do it without apology. I'm not going to stop eating well and working out-- that's integral to my mental health more than anything (though that can't be completely extricated from the physical - one influences the other). I'm not going to stop my indulgences, either. And I'm going to wear my two-piece bathing suits that don't entirely hide my lower abdomen fat roll (thanks, HR!) and if anyone has a problem with it, I'm not going to let it transfer over to being my problem.

I have a healthy self image - I'm not trying to make it out like I'm being oh so brave or humblebrag so you'll tell me I'm hot. It's not like I harbor dysmorphia at a level that exceeds that of the average person. Sure I have my moments of doubt, but at the heart of it, I'm what I am and I'm cool with that. And I just wanted to be Jessica Biel for a moment there, but aw nards, there's already a Jessica Biel. And she gets paid a lot to be that. So, here's me and the one body I get. I'm not going to provide photographic proof here or anything. That's not the point. These are just the (not entirely) unexpected results of my goal. New goal: how to make the vacation simultaneously get here tomorrow, and then last forever.

I jest a little about that last part because, though I am thrilled beyond measure of the idea of unlimited sleep and a sustained period of only being responsible for me, I can't even comprehend what it's going to be like to be away from my kid for a whole week. A couple of days doesn't phase me anymore, but a week is a new frontier. It's going to happen, and it's going to be worth it, but it is weighing on my mind. Not in a guilt feeling way, just in an attachment way, and in an omigod-how-to-explain-to-him-we-didn't-abandon-him way. Weeks fly by, for better and for worse.

Tell it, gentlemen.

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