Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Mama Drama

Sorry to pop in and leave such a negative post yesterday. It's not my style to take out my frustrations in such a non-constructive and boring way but, yeah, I was frustrated. Non-responsiveness is a giant peeve for me, it seems so needlessly rude. But I've said my piece about that and I won't say any more.

Also unlike me: I had a small mental crisis this weekend when I came to the realization that, out of the many people we know who have had babies in the past year or two, we got the most difficult one. Not that every baby doesn't present his own challenge, and I don't know what it's like to be in anyone's everyday existence, but it seemed to me like everyone got these easygoing babies who just did everything they were supposed to. Our baby is amazing and wonderful and smart and fun and funny and loving, but I would never classify him as easy. Especially when you compare notes on riding in cars and sleeping and such. That should have tipped me off that I was barking up the wrong mental tree to begin with: don't ever compare. But I did. And I felt, like, why can't we ever get him to do one thing without a struggle? After my approximate five minutes of self pity, I checked my delusions at the door, and if you overlook all his most awesome qualities: he's healthy. Bottom line. I can never take that for granted, particularly in my line of work where I'm confronted with the alternative every single day.

Then I thought, even if it's true that he's the most... whatever compared to other babies, who even cares? Who said he was supposed to be easy? He's on his own timeline for things, and I have to give us all a break considering he's only been breathing on his own for shy of 17 months. What's the point of any kind of fretting about what I can't control? I can't change him, and I don't actually want to (OK if a genie popped up I'd ask for consistent 12 hours of sleep per night, but I can't even really complain about the sleeping any more). So it was a dumb parental breakdown, but it's over. I can't help feeling almost embarrassed about it, so maybe that's why I'm writing about it. As a way to chastise myself, and to remember, if I ever make the mistake of feeling that way again. For all the little curveballs we're thrown on a daily basis, they're all just part of him being a baby. It's not personal. I'm looking at his picture right now and all I can think is, "what WAS I on about?" I can't imagine my life without my sweet butterball who fills up my heart like nobody else. So other babies have been sleeping through the night since day one or voluntarily gave up their bottles on their first birthday or whatever (I exaggerate). Each parent can point out a way that their baby falls short of ideal for them. The most rational part of my brain knows that no baby is perfect. But our baby is perfect for us. That should be my focus. Honestly, self!

At the end of yesterday's turd I passed off as an entry I mentioned that there was a theme to the music this week and here it is: songs that either appear in or have in some way inspired the novel I've been working on. I won't say how or why I chose them, just, that's the connection.

1 comment:

  1. Amber,
    It will happen if you let him be a baby ,