Tuesday, May 17, 2011

First World Problems

Just as "The Macarena" swept a more innocent, arguably stupider America in 1996, a stomach bug invaded our house and didn't leave until all its inhabitants were flailing with disgusting abandon. Let's just say we did a lot of baby laundry, and Mama's face is a map of broken blood vessels from forceful vomiting. Not in my top 5 weekends of all time, but happily we're all on the mend.

If you didn't think I was hot before, I have certainly got you under my spell now, eh?

Lately I've been thinking more and more about how to reconcile being a mother with being the me that is--not the me I was before the baby was born exactly, and not quite separated from my identity as a mother (not only is this not possible, but I wouldn't even want it to be)--but the me that isn't necessarily governed at every turn or defined by the fact that I have a child. It was never my intention to change appreciably when I changed my life status, I mean, I know you have to make major fundamental changes when you make room for squirts and I've made them enthusiastically. But I think about my personality and habits and wondering if I've just given up and chalked it up to motherhood. I know I just went all in without thinking in the first year, because the little dude is so needy and I couldn't bother to imagine that there was another way to do things. But now that he's gaining some independence, I have to wonder, am I a person who really wants to be in her pjs by 5 p.m. on Saturday? Have I discovered that this is really me and what I want, or is it a by-product of the way my life is since I had HR and became totally constantly exhausted? Where's the line? It's not just the pj thing, but lots of other things (like, why haven't I seen Bridesmaids yet? Why did it take me a year to use my massage gift certificate? And M Bone died before he even got to teach me how to do the Dougie! Or before I even knew there was such a thing!) that make me feel like I've been sleepwalking and it's time to wake up. How to do it is the tricky part.

I'm sure most parents, particularly mothers, have felt this way at some point, it's just my turn now. But it's still a hell of a puzzle to be putting together. How to be the best mother possible without losing myself... just another worry to add to the worries that make the days slip away.  Not a big worry mind you, in the scheme of the whole world, just something with which I've been preoccupied. Starting this blog was probably the first step in the reclamation process, even if I wasn't aware of it at the time. I'm confident I'll get it all figured out soon, probably seeing too many unspeakable diapers this weekend started to wear on me.
Anyway, I have way too much work to catch up on to be navel gazing like this. Hoping you're all feeling fabulous!

1 comment:

  1. Hope you're feeling better, all of you. If you haven't read today's post at my place, do so. Mothering muse 13 years from where you are now. ~LA