Thursday, August 30, 2012

How Do YOU Know What MY Best Interest Is?

I may write two entries today, because I haven't talked about dancing in about three weeks and I have so much to say (if I don't get around to it, I have totally hitched my car to the Chehon train and if he and Eliana don't take it all, I might cry), but in the forefront in my mind it's all RAGE. Rather, yesterday's rage. I'm back to my calm old self now so I can write about the overwhelming feeling of rage-- like with any extreme emotional state it's much easier when I'm removed from it. And I was thinking maybe I didn't need write about it at all once it passed, but I think it's important, since this is my space here and I'm responsible for how I present myself, that you know I am not the protagonist of Happy-Go-Lucky in real life. Yes, sometimes I kind of am, and I'm in no way apologizing for my default temperament. But even Mary Sunshines are not immune to fits of beastly scarlet-behind-the-eyes anger. It doesn't happen often with me, but it does happen, and channeling it is a challenge.

The latest incident came about last evening, in my final hour of work, and was incited and then stoked by the one-two punch of being treated poorly by a work associate (not a co-worker, just someone I deal with who has zero respect for my authority) and then reading a response to a friend's facebook post that dropped my jaw with righteous indignation. I still haven't figured out which thing bothered me more, or if taken separately I would have had to listen to "Bangarang" ten times in a row to get under control (oh, shush, it really helps me), but if someone had been peeking into my office it would have been a sight to behold.

The first bit with the professional debacle still sticks in my craw - not that anyone should ever be spoken to with the condescension and impatience that I received from the caller, but as someone who has been doing what I do for a solid 15 years, who has risen up to second-in-command and first-line-of-defense in the bosses' absence, I can't tolerate when it's assumed I'm an ineffectual peon. I paid my dues,  earned this, and to insinuate otherwise makes me Hulk-y (apparently). Three things in my favor: 1) I was able to keep cool while talking to this person, 2) my superiors totally have my back and 3) the woman to whom I'm referring is a known bully and has subjected everyone on staff (except, notably and not surprisingly my male boss) to her singular brand of entitled jerkery. It just happened to be my turn. And this happens to people all the time, everywhere. It's happened to me before, and it'll happen again. I should have let it roll off my back, keeping these things in mind, but I couldn't. The important thing now is to just not hang onto it. And I think I'm doing OK there. If nothing else it reminds me always to try and treat people with respect and kindness.

The second part, wherein I admit to the dumbassery of bothering to read people's comments when I know they will get a rise out of me, was a case of someone passing off fake science as fact in order to further a religious agenda. I will never stop being outraged when people spread misinformation that could seriously harm people or even contribute to hatefulness borne of lack of understanding. And I was this close to jumping in and putting in my two cents for posterity, but I remembered that, for my sanity, I imposed a strict rule on myself to never get involved in facebook arguments because they go nowhere. If it were on my own wall, my own post, that's one thing. But knowing I can just unsee the things that enrage me--when they don't directly involve me--is freeing, and better for me. Of course this kind of thing is everywhere, and I do have a moral obligation to stand up for things I believe in, but in the scheme of things, I like to keep facebook as a fluffy little cloud on which to keep track of birthdays and post Oran Juice Jones videos and exchange pictures. It helps as a tool to make stands, but personally, I'd rather use other tools for that. Like m'blog here. 

I heard a cover of this by Amanda Palmer this morning, and it was aight, but nothing compares to the original. And it just applies to everything going on right now in so many ways.

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