Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Roth-erizing

The upside of having a car so old that my music options are reduced to what's on the radio or whatever cassette tapes have survived the millennium is that I'm still able to be transported by the element of surprise. This morning, after kissing my men-cubs goodbye and jumping into the car, I scanned a few stations and struck gold on 93.7 - "Hot For Teacher." I didn't know that was the song I needed to hear right then, but it was. It's not like I don't own a lot of Van Halen's music - I do, in at least three formats, and I could listen to this song any time I want, but the point is, I wouldn't have thought of it. The magic of the dying medium known as radio is that sometimes it knows what I need when I don't. I came in just at the beginning drum part, and just cranked it up. And for four whole minutes of my commute I wasn't obsessing about having enough milk.

Having enough milk for the baby is my main preoccupation. When I'm right there with him it's not a problem - I just attach him to the boob on demand. But when we're apart I worry about it constantly. What if he's extra hungry? What if some of it spills? What if he wakes up when normally he'd be sleeping? It's pretty much all I ever think about when we're apart, and it's really hard to concentrate on other things, or even relax and have fun. I've been back to work for almost two weeks, and it was clear by the first day of week one that I just wasn't going to have enough milk to get him through the day, not right away anyway. I'm not an abundant milk producer. I have enough, but I don't have extra. Pumping only works when I'm skipping feedings--he still eats so frequently that if I try to pump in between, I'm taking away milk for his next feeding and everything gets out of whack. It might not always be like this as his feedings get space farther apart (if they ever do -- will they ever?), but for now, it only works to pump when I'm away from him and maybe once a few hours after he goes to bed. The long, emotional day before I started back to work I knew I'd have to introduce formula on a supplemental basis. That was probably the most agonizing realization I've made since he's come along, and I shed a few tears of sadness and regret. But this is the deal: I have to go back to work, and he needs to eat. And beating myself up over it is probably more harmful to us than the 4 ounces he's ingested so far.

I don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with formula feeding - not at all, it's just that I chose to breastfeed and luckily my body was able to make it happen and I intended to stick to the nothing-but-mama's-milk-until-six-months plan. What's that you say, having kids means your precious plans are a joke? Well, yes. I've learned this lesson over and over again since day one. Faced with the latest wrench in the works, I examined what my real issue was with changing up the feeding plan. Supplementing isn't bad for the baby, especially since he doesn't even get formula every day. So in the end, was my goal just to be able to say "nothing passed the sacred threshold of my little one's lips for six months save for my own breastmilk"? As long as he's fed and healthy and we're doing our best, that's the real goal. I don't have time to be sanctimonious. And I don't room for guilt or defensiveness because I need all of that energy for the time I get to spend with my baby. So yeah, HR drinks formula sometimes when I don't pump enough. So far I haven't died of being a bad mother and he's thriving and it's what works for our family. I love nursing and plan to continue to do it until he's a year old. But even if that plan gets diverted, I think we'll make it just fine. Especially if we round it out with the occasional selection from 1984.

8 comments:

  1. I still need to meet this little guy. Glad you're writing about it :)

    Also, the Mexican lady that cleaned our house for us once ( a gift from the in-laws) swore by eating oatmeal to up milk production. I must admit that if she had been white, I would have dismissed it out of hand, but she was older and I assume a wise curandera.

    Jesse B

    ReplyDelete
  2. i second the oatmeal! there is also a great tea that helps 'mother's milk' so aptly named...and i heard hot for teacher last night while we ate dinner...'i dont feel tardy'...so good. nice new digs, ladylove. xoxoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm glad you're being sensible (at least as much as possible considering the hormones and babylove factors). You're not a Braggedy McBraggartson anyhow, so keep on sticking with what works over what sounds good to The Mommy Holier-Than-Thou Brigade. Mwah! ~LA

    ReplyDelete
  4. The only reason I could give all booby milk all the time for 6 months was because I was unemployed for those 6 months. I was never a great producer for the pump and little Ted ate every 2-3 hours. I knew that when I went back to work, we'd have to supplement. But, he loved formula and he loved the boob. He didn't care as long as it had food coming out of it. The only downside to formula is that he started pooping more than twice a week again. heh

    Oh, I fretted and cried but look back and realize it was the best thing for everyone. He's a happy thriving 14mth old now.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's bittersweet to read about the breast milk dilemma. My mother breast fed me but not my sister--I think I was still gnawing at the bit until age one (in hindsight this seems maybe a little bizarre). She still regrets not doing having that with my sister. When I (some day) produce a little muppet, I probably won't be able to do it at all. As weird as it is, I love hearing about it despite that. It makes me hopeful that maybe I'll be well enough to make it happen when the time comes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Also, Nick corrected me and said, "chomping at the bit". I think gnawing is a better selection here.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm happy to see that you're just as smart and full of common sense and good nature as usual. Where DO you get your ability to remain calm and not make a mountain out of a molehill? I need some of that:)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Welcome to the constant internal mother debates. Kay was supplemented and even though I would have liked to have been there 24/7 - Memere with a bottle of breast milk or formula worked just fine and benefited both of them. At some point you will have have a debate about twinkies in the lunchbox because there is nothing else in the house and a multitude of other crazy internal debates. Keep the path of common sense and let go of the expectations. Kids need at least one person who loves them unconditionally and the rest will work out just fine.

    ReplyDelete